So long

I wish I had another excuse that would explain my horrible attempts at updating this blog earlier...but alas, I've just been too busy. Trying to sit down at the computer to upload pictures (which always seems to be an issue with my computer) to share, write about the lives of my growing-all-too-fast children, while managing a zillion other things seems overwhelming at times. I want to promise to do better. So...in a nutshell, here is the low down for the past 7 weeks or so.

• We dressed up as Goldilocks and the 3 Bears for Halloween.
• Owen is potty-trained! (After needing to write a social story for him about the pooping process...we finally managed to figure out going '#2'!)
• Connor turned 1!!! I always think that the first birthday is so much of a bigger mark/celebration for the parents than the child. Looking at Connor and all he can do and how he's grown blows my mind. I feel like I can hardly keep up with him and all of his new tricks. He is just turning into a little boy before my eyes, and I don't think I can hardly stand it. I continue to hold him longer each time I put him to bed, knowing that too soon, he will be too big to do/want me to do so.
• Connor is 95% for height and 25% for weight. Can't you see he takes after his mom? HA!
• We had a LOVELY Thanksgiving in Minneapolis with Shawn's family.
  
• Shawn turned 33.
• Connor enjoyed turkey cupcakes for his birthday cake. Chocolate, of course!
• Rachel is gluten-intolerant, and is staying away from all things wheat, rye, and barley related.
• Rachel applied for a CITL (Center for Intercultural Teaching and Learning) grant and was awarded with $1000 to put on a Las Posadas event for the campus. Las Posadas means, "the inns" and is a Hispanic Christmas tradition enacting the journey of Mary and Joseph seeking shelter in Bethlehem. It culminates with a fiesta when shelter is found, and celebrates the birth of the Christ child. I adapted/wrote the service where we walked through campus by candle light seeking shelter from the cold. It was also contextualized to today, inviting reflection on "who are the Mary/Joseph's today in our society, seeking a home, unable to find shelter?" For the party we had 240 tamales, bunelos (a traditional Xmas cookie), ponche (hot dried fruit punch), Mexican hot chocolate, pinata, and goodie bags for the students that came. Needless to say, this event OVERTOOK my November. I am glad we did it. And, I am glad it is done.
• Coming up: Shawn and Rachel are getting ready to leave to go on their anniversary (10 years!) trip to Puerto Rico, next week! OH YEAH. Seriously. Cannot. Wait.
• Connor and Owen will be with Rachel's parents in Pennsylvania for the week.

I'll be out of state/country for the next 3.5 weeks, but I will try to update as time allows. Much love to you!

Facebook: A genius idea or the pitfall of authentic friendships?

I've been thinking a lot about Facebook lately. I love it. I do. I am a person that values relationships and this has been a great way to get in touch with a lot of people from my life. It is interesting to see what they are doing on a day to day basis (thanks for News Feed) and comment back to them about life. I feel in some ways more a part of their lives than ever...

...or do I?

As a person who does really value relationships, Facebook has also really turned into a trap of sorts. Even as I feel connected to others on one hand, if I'm honest, I think it is just a facade of a genuine relationship. Obviously there are many layers to this debate, and in and of itself, Facebook really does well at social connecting. Yet, somedays I just get depressed (for lack of a better term), because even though I feel so well connected virtually, there is no physical or emotional connection. It's not that Facebook is my sole friendship network or anything...but the more I spend my time on it, which for a moment fills my friendship tank, it quickly empties and I'm left feeling as alone and unconnected as before. (Am I sounding completely pathetic yet? :)

How would I feel different if I invested that time spent on Facebook trying to "keep up with my friends" (and comparing my day/feeling/opportunities with them) and actually picked up the phone and called them?

How might I feel different? More connected? More filled?

Thoughts?

ps. Anyone want to be my friend? :)

You do not change...

We sang this song in church yesterday and I just can't get the words and tune out of my mind.

Fresh as the morning,
sure as the sunrise,
God always faithful,
you do not change.

~"God of the Bible"
(from Sing the Journey, Faith and Life Resources)

Having had so much change and transition in my life these past few years (physically, emotionally, and spiritually)...knowing that God is constant throughout all of my hills and valleys brings me great peace. For God's presence (felt or not) is not contingent upon what I bring to the table. For God is. Just as God has been in the past, and present, God will continue to be in the future. Truly, even as the sun rises each morning, God is continually working in seen and unseen ways.

This morning, God I give you thanks for your steadfastness, despite my unevenness.

Photo shoot

Here are a few shots from our latest 3 year/9 month photo excursion. Let me tell you it was a trip. I must have been smoking crack thinking that I could take the both of them by myself and pick out pictures...seriously. Why was there no intervention?????? You can see that "twinkle" in Owen's eyes. Oh, the joys of a 3 year old. I had to do some serious deep breathing afterwards. A sweet kiss. The chair was the only thing to contain our crawling monster. However, I didn't really like how it looked in the pictures. Connor looks like the Godfather.

Connor, my usually happy-go-lucky guy was pretty fussy and didn't want to smile. This is the best we could do. Grr...don't you just love getting the kids around for pictures (keeping all food, spit up, and snot off of them), driving there, only to have fussy kids? Seriously........................

These pictures at least seem to somewhat capture my guys in this stage of life. A bit ornery, and nowhere close to stationary. Wonder what the next stages will bring?

Connor is 8 months

Connor is 8 months! I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone. He is so sweet and loving. He's crawling like a madman, pulling himself on anything and everything, and would put Owen down in an eating contest. He is totally refusing any sort of baby food, so it's table food (mostly wanting to feed himself) all the way. He can wave "hi/bye-bye" and is very good at saying, "Dada." I'm trying not to be jealous. His only mention of "Mama" comes whimpering when he's hungry or tired. These are some pictures from our time at the park together with some friends. I have to continue to tell myself, "Enjoy these days. They really do go by all too quickly."

Doing holy work

Lately, I've had this intense desire to re-connect with God in a new way. Perhaps it is from reading the book, Eat, Pray, Love; or from going through the death process with my family and needing to reflect on the nature of life, and how we live ours. What legacy do we want to live? My desire is that I want to be at the center of God's heart. I want to live with purpose and make a difference in the lives of people. This starts with knowing God...and being known by God. However, finding time to do it seems nearly impossible. When I just gave birth (or was about to) to my boys, certain songs seemed to flood my consciousness. I put words to them, and that was the song "of my child." You can read more about this if you want to, as I gave a sermon about Owen called, "Song of the Village" at First Menno Denver in 2007 (http://firstofdenver.co.us.mennonite.net/.cWcustom/Sermon2007/060307.html). Anyhow, my point is this...the tune of Connor's song that came to me just prior to his birth is "Be Still and Know." I had NO idea when this tune came to me (and the words for Connor later) how much I would need to be reminded of this. Be still. And know. I. AM. GOD. With all the confusion, disorientation, and grief we've experienced in these last 8 months, under it all is God's whisper to me: Be still and know that I am God. Thanks be to God.

During my "devotions" this morning (um...don't think of me as a saint for doing this...I almost had to laugh about how many times I was interrupted during my 5 minutes of it all...which is a rareity most days of the week anyways), I was reminded that in my desire to know God, as a busy mom, God is already here and working. This poem came to me which I will share with you:

I want to know you, God.
I want to be known by you.
But where is the time?
Mommy, I need your help...
Phone rings...
Knock at the door.
I want to know you, God.
Mommy, Mommy!
But how?
When?

I AM here.
Because I AM.
I AM in the laughter,
the tears,
the prayers of your children.

I AM in in the work you do,
in the schedules you keep,
because I AM in the air you breathe.

I AM here...all around you.
The time is now.
Past,
Present,
Future.
I AM here.

You just need to take notice.
The space to find me (at this time)
just looks different.

No Ashrams,
no candlelit meditative spaces
in which to fall into silence.
For I AM in your busyness,
not just in your stillness.

I AM in your laundry,
your emails,
your dishes.
I AM in wondering eyes,
scrapes,
and bandaids.

Adjust your vision.
Adjust your expectations.
I AM here.
I'm still here.
You are doing holy work.
I'm just waiting to be discovered.

~08.03.09

Reta K. Schrock Gerber: Mom & Grandma

Updates from my last post: We made it to Florida on Tuesday, June 9th after driving straight through the night. We were planning on stopping half-way down, but got a distressing call from Shawn's dad before heading out that Reta wasn't doing too well. We reached Florida on Tuesday afternoon, and the boys were able to say hello/goodbye. Reta recognized each of them, turned towards them, reached out to hug, and said "Hi." However, even after that brief interaction, closed her eyes to rest again. I was a bit unprepared to see her. In my mind I think I was envisioning time to be able to hold her hand and we could talk somewhat and review life. However, she was just so weak and frail. It took my breath away seeing this once vibrant woman with such a great sense of humor, who used to be my best Euchre partner, in such a state. Cancer is such an ugly, ugly, ugly thing. I can't even tell you. It just sucks all the life out a person.

I came back on Wednesday at noon to drop off something (we were staying at my Grandmother's home nearby), and went in to greet her. I wasn't intentionally thinking that this might be my last time with her, but I'm so thankful that I went in and sat with her for a few minutes, holding her hand, and telling her that I would take care of her "boys." She opened her eyes briefly and knew I was there. I kissed her and told her I loved her. Then she went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Shawn and his brother Kent were mostly taking "vigil" with Reta, being with her constantly through the day and night, caring for her needs and just sitting with. It really remined me again and deepened my love for my husband. His complete devotion towards his mother, his deep care and tender love shown to her made me once again thank God (and Reta) for him. I truly am a blessed woman to have a man such as this.

On Wednesday evening I got an urgent phone call from Shawn about 9:30pm saying that he thinks (death) might be close. Another call came in at 9:45pm to tell us (Miriam, Kent's wife was with me) of her passing.

From Shawn's account: He, Kent, and Keith were surrounding Reta's bed, where she was with her eyes closed. They were talking to her about all they appreciated about her and what she meant to them. Then she opened her eyes up very wide and looked at each of them (moving her head towards each). They sensed that it was her way of saying goodbye. After that, she closed her eyes and took three more breaths. They felt as if she went very peacefully and was at rest.

Miriam and I went over about 10:15pm (a second cousin came to stay with our sleeping boys) so we could be with them. The pastor came over and the funeral home. I felt that it was good to be with Reta, to continue the grieving and healing process.

We had services at Bahia Vista Church (Sarasota, FL) on Saturday, and a graveside memorial in Goshen, IN the following Saturday. It felt very frantic and busy preparing for all of the details regarding funerals, etc...for those two weeks.

However, now that we are back and things have settled down quite a bit, I find myself thinking about and dreaming about Reta in unexpected ways. I can still hear her wonderful "cackle" laugh. I miss having another female around the house, and truly feel outnumbered with the 4 boys to me when we are together now (with Keith). But I think I just feel the most sad that Owen and Connor won't have any memories, or very few, of their Grandmother who loved them so much. They really were her joy. But, just as she has spent her life shaping Shawn, and has loved and influenced my life, she lives in us. And we pass her along to them. For that I am thankful.

And grateful.