Look for the pillar

Being a new year gives me pause to think and reconsider the past and where I want to go in the future.  But what it doesn't address is the moment. 

The here and now. 

The question of who am I? 

What are my gifts?

How am I using them? 

Utilizing them?

Offering them?

Coming from a conference where I reconnected with some of my cohorts from graduate school days, seeing the amazing ways they are working and offering themselves, and me...?

It fees like desert wandering.

I understand why the Israelites were fearful. 

Coming from Egypt, going to the Promised Land...but the journey. 

It was taking so long.

It was hot,

cold,

dry,

empty.

What was the meaning of living in-between?

Was there a gift there?

If I really get honest, my current season of life often feels like desert wandering. I know where I've come from, but often the days as a stay-at-home parent feels endless, as the horizon shows sand upon sand. I know, "I am shaping lives, doing a wonderful thing, this is something I will never regret..." and yet the routine and monotony can often get to me...

I feel the heat of the desert sun--ranging with envy of those who seem to be doing more, offering more.

I feel the cold of the desert night--wondering if the light of my gifts are dimming. Will anything be left?

Don't be afraid, whispers across the sand.

There is purpose--

for you are not wandering aimlessly.

You are being formed,

shaped,

grown.

And you are not alone.

Your teachers in this wilderness are two:

a furnace colored corker and a 

toe-headed sprite.

They will offer you surprising gifts.

Sustaining laughter,

and joy on the journey.

Do not be afraid.

I AM here,

leading the way,

preparing the path ahead

sheltering the glow of ego

and warming with endless love, compassion and patience.

Look ahead.

The path ahead might looked blocked,

because you can't see beyond me.

Because I am all you need.

Look for the pillar.

"The LORD went ahead of them...

in a cloud by day and in a pillar of fire by night...

and neither left its place in front of the people."

Exodus 13:21-2