Fleece diapers?

Self-sufficiency.  It's our culture's most admired trait.
It's my faith's worst nightmare.

While running on the treadmill on Tuesday, I was feeling so distant.  Distant from peace, from joy, from love, from God...as I thought about why this was, the word "self-sufficiency" kept coming to the surface. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became.  My desire to be self-sufficient, to handle it all, to hold it all together on my own accord, was distancing me from relationship.  Because I refuse to allow spaces of need in my life, was this preventing grace to enter?  To see God at work?

I'm not sure why I tend to revert into this mode time and time again.  Do I feel a need to earn/prove my worth?  That who I am, and what I offer is somehow not enough?

So as I'm running, feeling convicted of these things, I confess to God that I desire a closer, more reliant relationship.

And then I threw it out there.

Now, normally, I'm not a fleece thrower or anything (i.e. "God if you are really there, make it stop raining."), but I guess I wanted to test my own ability to trust God's provision, so I said,

"I really need some diapers today. Now, I"m not expecting you to throw a box out of the sky or anything, but, even if you could open the space in my incredibly busy day for me to get to Target, along with the mental/emotional capacity to cart the boys with me, that would be great."

There.  I said it.  And I finished my run.

Tuesdays are busy days.  I have to drop off Owen at preschool at 9:00am and then come half-way back to town by 9:20am to be at a bible study that I signed up for at a local congregation.  I bring Connor to the study, as childcare is provided.

As I unbuckled Connor out of his car seat in the church parking lot, it hit me.  In the rush of leaving the house, I had forgotten to pick up the diaper bag.  I scoured the car, because often we leave one in the car, or at least a lone diaper somewhere.

Not this time.
Nada.
Nothing.

Then it hit me again.  God will provide the diapers, right?  I had to giggle.

Sure enough, as I dropped off Con at his class and told his teacher that I had no diaper bag with me she said, "That's fine, we can provide diapers for you."


Not exactly how I was expecting God to answer, but answer God did.

Fleece or no fleece, my prayer is that I might allow spaces of openness in my life.  For by living permeable, I recognize God all around me, in those I meet, in the situations I encounter.  For God is here, already acting and working, providing what I need, recognized or not.

God help me to see.